PARKING MADNESS 2021: A Central Brooklyn Battle for the Ages

This is one of two first-round battles we present today. To see today’s other contest — an Upper Manhattan slugfest — click here. And please remember that voting is still open on Monday’s first-round battles, one in Queens and the other in The Bronx. But without any more ado, here today’s evidence — and your ballot below!

Here's your bracket!
Here’s your bracket!

It’s only the first round, but two central Brooklyn station houses have brought their A game to this year’s contest — with both the 67th Precinct of East Flatbush and the 70th in nearby Midwood outdoing each other for contempt for the community and endangering the residents they’ve sworn to protect and serve!

When it comes to complete disrespect for neighbors, few commanders can be as proud as Deputy Inspector Gaby Celiba of the 67th. Celiba just took over this year, but he’s already playing the game of parking anarchy like precinct commanders who’ve been around the block for years. We’re smelling promotion!

Meanwhile, down the road at the 70, Inspector David Wall has made some adjustments to his squad’s utter disregard for neighbors, but don’t be fooled: these cops can’t stand the surrounding community at all! Tear down that Wall? No way — this guy will make Chief in no time!

So let’s get to it:

70th Precinct (Midwood)

Ask anyone who knows about the Lawrence Street station house and you’ll hear stories about sidewalk parking that will surprise even those of you who are long accustomed to cops parking their personal vehicles in “No Standing” zones in front of fire hydrants and curb cuts.

The neighboring Adapt Community Network facility — which helps people with cerebral palsy and other conditions — have been at war with the 70 for years, and finally seem to have clawed back some space from their greedy neighbors. At gametime, we found part of the sidewalk actually free of cop cars for the first time in our many visits to the area. (See picture below.)

These cones somehow deterred cops at the 70th from taking the entire sidewalk. Photo: Gersh Kuntzman
These cones somehow deterred cops at the 70th from taking the entire sidewalk. Photo: Gersh Kuntzman

But don’t worry, the cops at the 70 have so much to be proud of! Other than the few feet of sidewalk above, officers have commandeered the entirety of the block for themselves, not only combat parking on sidewalks and leaving no room for anyone to pass, but also parallel parking directly on the sidewalk. (See slideshow below.)

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As a result, seniors who live on the block are constantly forced into the street as they go shopping or return from a doctor’s appointment:

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How aggressive are the officers at the 70? There’s even a “No parking” sign that they not only disregard, but have completely neutered by painting parking lines onto the street itself (see photo below):

parked in no parking zone with lines 1

And, of course, utter disregard for neighbors wouldn’t be complete without the precinct leaving a few junked cars on the sidewalk!

junked car 1a

Oh, as if the precinct block wasn’t chaotic enough, cops have also commandeered the space on Seton Place around the corner, where their greed endangers the neighborhood by blocking fire hydrants.

Blocking a hydrant. Classic!
Blocking a hydrant. Classic!

If this matchup ends up being a tie, this could be the deciding factor: one of the cops who parks his fancy Alfa-Romeo on the sidewalk has a vanity plate, “NO 63 4U,” which is a reference to being denied a meal break from his superiors. We have a theory on why? The car has been nabbed 10 times for speeding and four times for speeding since 2015. Would you give that cop a meal break?

no 63 4u

But will all of this contempt be enough to get the 70th to the next round? Let’s see:

67th Precinct (East Flatbush)

The first thing that comes to mind when visiting the Snyder Avenue station house is garbage.

Cops in East Flatbush have filled the street with bashed up cars as well as their own junked furniture and office cabinets, a display so abusive that it could lead to a first-round victory over the more tidy Midwooders (see slide show below):

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But for sheer parking madness, it will be hard to beat the 6-7. The commitment to complete disregard for the neighbors starts a block west, on Rogers Avenue, where cops combat-park their personal vehicles in a bus stop — one that’s situated directly across the street from do-nothing Council Member Mathieu Eugene (who is one of the few things everyone in the neighborhood agrees on!).

In a bus stop ... in front of a COUNCILMAN'S office!
In a bus stop … in front of a COUNCILMAN’S office!

But at least those cops above were parked largely out of the way of neighbors. Three other cop-linked cars blocked sidewalk curb cuts as if no one is handicapped, no one is old, no one is pushing a stroller (maybe that’s how it is in the suburbs, where most cops live):

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For the most part, cops at the 67th maintain the sacred unprofessionalism that most of their colleagues do across the city, but they go to outrageous lengths to make sure they’re just that much more offensive — leaving no room for the handicapped on sidewalks and forcing their neighbors into the street (see slideshow):

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But you know a precinct has enraged the neighbors when one building has to deploy their own barricades to protect their “own” parking, as one of the buildings on Snyder has done:

Good fences make cop neighbors.
Good fences make cop neighbors.

That alone speaks to the kind of intensity and hatred of their neighbors that the cops at the 67th Precinct bring to work every day — and that’s why … they’re going to the Brooklyn finals!


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