The following is not an Onion parody of a Joe Biden ad. It’s an actual Joe Biden ad:

There's been a lot of talk about my vetting process lately. Here’s an inside look: pic.twitter.com/tFRKJOE3hi

— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) August 5, 2020

How horrible was Biden’s auto eroticism? Let us count the ways:

• The 1967 Corvette Stingray in question got roughly 12 miles per gallon when it was new.
• Biden spouts gibberish throughout:
  • “I used to think I was a pretty good driver.” Pretty good? Should the standard be “flawless” when you’re driving a car with a top speed of 121 mph? And “used to think”? What, Joe, you don’t think you’re “pretty good” anymore?
  • He drives so fast that he admits he was “afraid I’d go [run] through those guys” before laughing.
  • “God, could my dad drive a car — oof!” (It’s not an Olympic sport, you know.)
  • He says he can’t wait until he can drive an electric car that can go 200 miles per hour — which is more than three times the 65 mile-per-hour highway speed limit.
• As he’s fetishizing American-made automobiles, one thing Biden doesn’t reflect on is that his first wife Neilia and his 1-year-old daughter Naomi were killed in a car crash in 1972. Or that motor vehicle crashes kill tens of thousands of Americans every year. Or that the planet is warming — and cars are among the biggest culprit. Or that cars — even electric cars — are fueled in ways that make the air less breathable, and more likely to cause asthma and worsen the pandemic. Or that our transit systems are crumbling due to ridership collapse from the pandemic. (Admittedly, that would be a lot to cover in a single episode of “Joe’s Garage.”)

The whole thing was so absurd that several media outlets covered it, with the Daily News suggesting that Biden’s ability to drive a muscle car made him more “all-American” than the man he hopes to unseat, and Autoblog (which is kinda the opposite of us) gushing about how “cool” the whole thing is.

The good news? At least Biden isn’t proposing making it harder for people to divest from fossil fuel stocks in their 401Ks. Yes, President Trump’s Labor Department is doing that, The New Yorker reported yesterday.

Here’s the rest of the news:

• Gov. Cuomo finally started talking about the speeding epidemic (amNY), but he said all the wrong things. He’s calling for more cops and education. But what’s really needed is 50,000 speed cameras statewide, real penalties for more than two camera speeding or red light tickets, and redesigned roads that make it harder to speed and easier to be a cyclist or a pedestrian.
• Speaking of enforcement, Mayor de Blasio seemed to catch a lot of people off guard by announcing that the city would deploy armed officers at key entry points to enforce quarantine rules for visitors (NY Post, NYDN, Gothamist). The Times debunked some of the hysteria.
• Meanwhile, apparently, no one told the Port Authority about the checkpoints, though (NY Post), and the NYPD was scrambling to find volunteers to supplement the sheriff’s deputies (NY Post).
• Noticias1 did a nice story about making the 34th Avenue open street in Queens a permanent fixture.
• A multiple car/SUV crash in Flatbush that injured nine drivers. (NY Post, amNY)
• Here’s a rarity: A hit-and-run driver was arrested and charged. (NYDN)
• The ineptitude at the Board of Elections and the USPS grows. (NY Post)
• Aftermath: The LIRR says Isaias did more damage than Sandy. (NYDN)
• In case you missed it, the Fort Hamilton Parkway protected bike lane is back on track. (Brooklyn Paper)
• And, finally, all of us in the ink trade mourn the loss of tabloid, book, and Lion’s Head legend Pete Hamill (NYDN). Steve Cuozzo did a tribute at the Post. Here’s the Daily News wood: